So you’ve done the deed. You climaxed, it’s over. And you’re pretty sure she did too. But did she?
Your mind might be reeling. It could be a real blow to your self-confidence if you found out she didn’t. But how do you know? Well, the best way to know is to get to the bottom of it and explore the reasons why she might fake it in the first place. Then that can point to what you can do to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
Maybe some of you don’t care one way or the other. But for those who do care, the thought that she could be faking her orgasm can crush your self-esteem. However, don’t make orgasm faking all about you.
On that note, do know though that the number one reason that your partner may fake their orgasms is to please you. The female orgasm is more elusive than the male one. And women know that they’re less likely to climax than you are. They know this from experience. They also know that you take pride in getting them to climax. Otherwise you wouldn’t be asking about it so much. So, they throw you a bone. Plus, if they fake it, sometimes that can help you out. More confidence, less self-awareness — these are the ingredients to a harder, more intense erection, which can be better for her just as much as it is for you. It can get you more into it, leading to hotter, better sex for her and you.
Another reason that could crop up is that whatever you’re doing, even if it’s working for you, might not be doing anything for her. That’s not necessarily a signal for incompatibility so don’t jump ship, but recognize that sex is a two way street. Having open communication about what is or is not working in the bedroom, either during sex or — if that’s too awkward — later over breakfast or some time you set aside to discuss such things, can go a long way to making the experience more pleasurable for both of you. You may find it uncomfortable at first, and take too much of it personally, but you should listen and not judge. You should take any advice as constructive. If you’re in a serious, monogamous relationship with this person, then you’ll want to know what best works for them and gets them off. What might have worked for your ex-girlfriend, or works for you, might not work for everyone. Don’t take it personally or as a criticism of your abilities. Shift gears and try some new things, or try that same thing at new angles. (Sometimes it’s all about the angles). And make sure to share with her what’s working and not working for you. Don’t make it personal or a tit-for-tat criticism. Don’t criticize something just to get back at her for criticizing you. But share so the experience can get better for both of you.
Instead of probing about the orgasm, specifically, the best thing you can ask her is how the entire experience of sex was.
Ask her about moments here and there during the act that she responded positively to and find out if you should do more or less of that. Don’t interrogate her, but show a genuine intention of caring about her overall pleasure during sex. If you immediately focus in on “did you orgasm” or “how many times did you come,” then she’ll know where your priorities lie. That can be an extreme amount of stress and pressure on someone to make sure that she gets there, and it makes the orgasm about you rather than her. This can make her feel insecure and can lead to a less positive relationship with sex, which can then lead to less orgasms anyway. This, in turn, leads to having to fake it more. So don’t focus in on the orgasm. Find out what it was that turned her on the most. Find out what gave her the most pleasure. Find out what it was that got her breathing heavy and whether that moan was a good one or a bad one. Learn about her and her pleasure and that’ll go a long way to figuring out why she’s faking it and making sure it doesn’t have to happen again.
Another reason that women fake their orgasms is because — in their experience — the phrase “fake it till you make it” takes on a new meaning for them. Faking an orgasm, or at least emphasizing noises of pleasure — heavy breathing, panting, moaning — can get you and her into the mood. Sex is an inclusive sensory experience and uses all five of them. That includes sound. Sound can really emphasize the pleasure of sex — dirty talk and music included as well. But more than that, imitating the sights, sounds and movements of having an orgasm can get you both more into it and make sex hotter. It’s a great way for her to turn herself on, and you can even try getting into that auditory experience yourself to boost her pleasure.
The best thing you can do to make sure that she has an orgasm is to relax about it.
Don’t ask her throughout if she’s getting there. Pressure and stress are orgasm killers. Don’t narrowly focus on that one part of the sexual experience. It’s a great part of it — don’t get me wrong — but make sure you’re enjoying the whole pleasurable experience. Focus on pleasing her and making her happy. Let her focus on you. Communicate with each other — non verbally, and maybe later over coffee — about what was working. Don’t forget to throw in what wasn’t working too. And then practice. You’ll both feel each other out and get better over time. It’s easy to get lost and just focus on getting to the orgasm. It’s the best part. But the whole experience is pretty great too, and can be even better if you immerse yourself. And if you do, you’ll lessen the pressure, anxiety and stress of having to reach orgasm, and be more likely to get lost in the experience and get there together anyway.